I’ve blogged on here a number of times about some of my experiences here in the US. Some good. Some bad. Some neither here nor there. Just yesterday, I was sitting at lunch with a friend and he asked me something that I’ve never really stopped to consider before. He said something to the effect of “Do you think about how things might have been had you not met and married Jennifer?”.
In all honesty, the thought had never crossed my mind with any seriousness because I have no regrets about marrying Jennifer. I think we both would have liked to have waited a little longer so we could get to know each other a little better, but I am more than happy to be married to Jennifer. I’ve said it a number of times, but one of the things I truly love about my wife is that she is constantly helping me to grow as a man and a husband, whether I like it or not. She has taught me more about myself than any other person in my life. She makes me want to be a better man for her. Sure, we bicker and fight, but what couple doesn’t. We’ve had some HUGE knocks to our marriage, but the biggest ones have come from me, learning that I’m not by myself anymore. There are more hearts and emotions involved in just about every decision I make, a fact I’m still coming to terms with, to be honest.
Possibly the only regret I have, and I believe this is a sentiment that my wife shares, is not the arrival of our daughter, Lilyana, but rather the timing. We both would have like maybe another year or two with just us, so we could get to know each other better with the added stress of children. Having said that, Lilyana is by far the most beautiful and treasured gift I have ever received. By mere virtue of her birth, she has made me a better man. Like her mother before her, she is teaching more about myself everyday.
She has shown me that I am not as patient as I once thought, something I am trying to work on. She has taught me that its not always about me and what I want to do, a sentiment I’m sure every parent will echo. Most of all, she’s taught me that there really are no bounds to the love you feel for your own child. I find myself often just staring at her while she is playing in the lounge and absolutely aching with pride and love for this beautiful child gifted to me by the grace of God. I am a man forever changed. I used to hear people say “You never know true love until you have children of your own.” I could have said better myself. The mere thought of something bad happening to her breaks my heart and brings me to the brink of tears. I have watched shows on TV about young girls and young women getting caught up in drugs, alcohol and sex and wept at the thought of my daughter ever experiencing anything like that. There is nothing I wouldn’t give or do to make her life as easy and carefree as possible.
Do I have any regrets for the events that have brought me to where I am today? Do I wish to undo the things done that have made me who I am today? Do I long for things lost, replaced by what I have today? To all these questions my response is an emphatic no. While some of the things I have experienced have been unpleasant, I’ve grown and that is far more important than sitting somewhere comfortable having learned nothing at all. They say knowledge is power, but I think the real power comes from the capacity to differentiate between that which is shiny and that which is valuable.
“God, grant me the strength to change the things I can,
the grace to accept the things I cannot,
and the wisdom to know which is which”
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